NGH

what is this I don't even..?

CRUMP DADDY

I really dislike crying.  To me crying is pathetic and has no point to it. It doesn't change anything, except maybe get you a few sympathy hugs, so why bother?. I mean, I don't mind when other people cry, but if I find myself crying I'm disgusted. I feel like a pansy when I cry. A weak little girl who can't be strong enough to just not cry.

This morning I woke up crying because of a dream I had..... my best friend and I were staying with another friend. They slept in the same room together, and I slept by myself in another room. The next morning I was so excited to hang out with them, but they asked me to leave. They didn't want to be around me - I was worthless and they couldn't be bothered with me.

I woke up and I couldn't figure out why my eyes felt so hot. It then dawned on me - I was crying. But over what? A stupid dream? I didn't feel upset, and I was lying there quite happily trying to go back to sleep, but no matter what I did my eyes kept leaking. I really do not understand my body.

IN OTHER NEWS

The internet has fucked me up big time, harhar. I don't trust anyone. On the internet everyone has an ulterior motive, so I immediately assume everyone in real life is like that to. If anyone shows interest in me as a person I laugh it off and wonder to myself who is putting them up to it, and what they're bribing them with. Trolling has affected me very deeply. No lie. Everything I say can either be taken seriously or as a joke, but I'm usually never being serious but you can't tell because I'm being serious but making up crap to be serious about. Are you confused? Because I am.

AND WHAT IS UP WITH SEXTING? And phone sexing and stuff. How can people do that stuff over the phone? Just casually like, "Yeah, I want you to lick my sensitive feet with your delicious tongue.. I want you to nibble on my delicate, manicured toes.. Mmmmmmmmm, baby, yes!"

How awkward would that be? I don't think I could even do that in person, but hey, each to their own.

Well, this was fun.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (even though we only just bothered to put the tree up today with 6 days until Christmas)

How do you weigh yourself without scales?

I've kind of realised that right now what I'm really doing on here is trying to lay myself out (loooooooool barking up the wrong tree I am) so I can attempt to understand myself. So, here goes.

I've always wanted to be something more than what I am. Whenever I'm online on, iunno, mlia or just browsing I come across people that appear to be so much more than I am. For example, once someone posted about the fact that they're a cheerleader and a pro gamer. I was like wow, I like that, for the simple reason that you wouldn't (I don't think) expect a cheerleader to game. I like the whole idea of being more, or the opposite of what you appear. Now, I'd try to be like this girl and cheer and game except for the small problems that

1. Cheer leading isn't something that's really done here, so no way that's going to happen
2. I can count the number of times I've used an xbox, ps3, any kind of gaming console, on both hands
3. I suck.
4. Once again I'd be being unoriginal - I'm so darn slick.

When I realise that stuff like this just isn't possible or even probable for me I wish that as a kid I'd been enrolled in some kind of class to give me some kind of skill/s. I can't play any instruments well (I can't read music, but my siblings and I used to play a couple of songs as a kind of family thing on the piano, I played recorder for a year or something when I was 8 or 9, and when I was 14 I payed for half of the cost of a years guitar lessons and stopped going due to lack of interest even though I reeeeally wanted to learn how to play), I can't sing, I have absolutely no interest in sports due to my lack of co-ordination, I can't do anything special with a computer, I'm not particularly great at anything academic.. I just don't really have any skills or talents. I even wish that as a kid we'd had a gaming console so I could at least be good at that!

I'd like to say that I'm confident with myself and my body, but I'd be lying. Whenever I go out in public (something I try to avoid as the sun is my arch nemesis) I give myself a pep talk somewhere along the lines of "Be confident, you're wearing clothes that express you! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!". It never works though. Someday it will :D I'll be all, "Oath, just chill bro. This is me. Only I have to like myself."


I am an ordinary person, with an ordinary life.
Some day that might change, but for now I just need to go with the flow.

ACTION

Greetings, Breathers.

It's 10.44pm and I've been browsing the internet for several hours now, quite aimlessly. I read a hilarious blog, hyperboleandahalf (I don't know about this linking stuff, so I'll just leave it like that for now...), and decided to be unoriginal and start a blog.

I'm a very unoriginal person. I've decided to make a list of all the unoriginal things I've done today that I can think of, even though nothing is really original because everything is derived from something. And I don't even know if I used derived correctly, but no one's going to read this so why worry?

1) Today my friend called me a 'breather', which I enjoyed because it sounds like brother, something he would say, but also just... breather. Good word, if it even is one. Sounds like something aliens would call humans. So, I got breather from him.

2) I couldn't think of my own blog link name thingy, so I asked my friend to say a few random words and from this I got 'piratedevirginationstudies' (though I'm unsure as to whether devirgination is a word. I don't think so. So, that's hers.

3) ...I actually can't think of anything, so I'm going to deviate from my allotted subject of just today's unoriginality.

I've been listening to http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ for an hour now. No exaggeration.

I bought a COD Black Ops t-shirt in the hope that gamers would think that I play (which I do not) and make friends with me. Apparently this was a bad move, as when I told someone this they told me, "bad idea you wont get the smart college type gamer youll get the dead beat, will end up a burn out in parents' garage/basement, poser, annoying, smex obsessed pig-like gamer".
Well, you live and learn, and I can only HOPE I'm learning.

Today I went to see 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1' (I think that's the title), and I was surprised by it. Surprised in a good way. It was way better than I expected. My face is happy! My friend grasped my hand in a death grip when Hedwig died (sorry to anyone that hasn't watched the movie, but I'll assume you've read the book - not that I did, I just read the epilogue - and anyway, no one will read this) and when Dobby died she cried in my hair. Yes, my hair. I wonder if it tastes salty....

Kwell, I think that this is enough talking to myself for today. Though when I go to bed I'll probably end up talking to myself about it and how ridiculous I am for making a blog. I have this one optimistic, vain voice in my head that I always try to mute with my depressed, self-doubting emo kid voice. The vain voice is like, "OMG UR SOOOOOO HOT OMGGGGGGGGGG ERRYONE GUNA READ DIS BLOG!!!1!" and my self-doubting and probably far more accurate voice is like, "Bro. You're being an idiot. No one will read this. You're not going to show anyone, and no one cares. Just man up and stop being a wuss."
Then the other voice in my head, which is me (which confuses me because... aren't the other voices me too?) starts having a QQ and weeping incessantly. I annoy myself.

Wow, look at me. I'm already spilling my secret voices that I've never told anyone about to the internet. The internet that isn't going to read this. Well, I guess if I remember that this exists I can read over it at a later date and crack a hearty lol.

Goodnight!
Good night?
I'm not sure.
Adios!